Tuesday, November 25, 2008
When I was young all I could think about was having a husband, children..... It all seemed so simple so perfect in my mind. my children growing up so fast before my eyes... days flying by, my life as well and find the hardest part of being a mom is the guilt. Guilt of not spending enough time with each of them, working with my youngest instead of trying to find a place in the house where she is not....not taking them places, not buying them stuff...yelling to much, not talking enough....man it never ends.
I see comments...wonderful comments about how people adore their children their lives and I can't help but wonder is it all just for show. How do they have it right and all I feel is fustrated and tired.
I feel a never ending battle with getting my house clean its like its alive and as soon as I see the floor.....kaboom another mess.
I have been a mom for 18 years and a wife for 16...when will I figure it out???
Where and when did I sign up for the kaos?
Did my mom feel this way?
Did I tell her I appreciated her for all she did...god I hope so.
I just want calm, boring, happy for a bit...can I please have that just for a few days please???!!
I am so afraid I will wake up one day, my kids all moved out and thinking I should have...
I know I am too blessed to be stressed but I think way too much worry far to much and just love and appreciate too little.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I have been away from writting as so much has happened and seems so hard to keep on top of things.
A wonderful thing has happened,my son has moved back.
He has spoke about coming home for about a week, tired of living where he was and the kaos that lived there.
Everything came to a header when I received a phone call from the parent that owed the house. She informed me my son was in trouble and he was taken away in handcuffs.
By the end of the conversation she hung up on me. I guess she didn't like what I said to her and what i thought of her. I really don't know if he did what they accused him of, I so need to believe he didn't. There has been no more evidence, so no charges will be pressed. I pray he is telling us the truth.
My heart is still having issues, letting me get close to him, trying to be a mom.
Last night he came in about 1 am and started to talk to me. He had gone out after work and was happy from partying. I still can't wrap my head around my baby drinking, yet I was young too when my friends and I did it.
It is scary what are kids are faced with now. He spoke for some time telling me about drugs and what was out there. About the time someone slipped something in his drink and he was out for a full day.He seems so educated in the bad of the world and I am so iggnorant.
I totally understand one day all my children will move away, it just wasn't his time when he did.
Little sis is in heaven that her big brother is home. She can't wait till he's awake to go bug him.
Today what I saw brought a smile to my face as the sun was out and all my kids were outside playing in the yard. With them came their friends so how i missed that :)
Life has been so hectic these past few weeks, my cleaning of the basement has left me fustrated and overwhelmed more then once...where did I get soooo much crap!!! Hours and hours I have spent down in clutter hell. It will get done one day soon.
I miss my friends and know I need to step away from everything and do some catch up.
well that is all for now...my writting is poor right now and I'm tired
Friday, April 11, 2008
I am doing everything in my power not to do anything..lol
I have house work and a sale tomorrow, should be going through bins and I'm not
just don't want to do it, last sale I backed out at the last min....motivation where are you?
So much as happened this week, guess that's why people post daily to prevent a massive all over the place post.
I am still working on me, loosing the weight, getting healthy physically and emotionally. I know I didn't get here over night , it takes time.
I stepped on the scale this morning...I am down another pound, 8 lbs lost in 2 weeks total of 21 pounds...so far to go yet but getting there.
Funny thing is some how I got this impression in my head I would look different, I don't, just a bit smaller...I need to get that flabby butt going to the gym to hopefully tighten things and reshape. I will start putting away for my tuck and lift fund....I want the extra skin GONE!
Before I get off the computer....I want to thank my TWO readers lol.who always support and comment on my blog. I love you both!! I do read your blogs frequently, I just suck on commenting and so appreciate you still leaving comments for me. I am here and supporting you too!!!
Monday, April 7, 2008
My biggest fears are loosing those I love or being hurt by them. I have had several friends that I grew up with hurt me the most, even to this day I feel like our friendships mean nothing.
I am torn between walking away yet the one friend always seems to understand some of the wacky things that go through my head. Yet I go out of my way to make sure I can attend every birthday party and family event...yet three times in one month she has let me down.
I always seeked female friends as eventhough I have a sister we are like night and day and her support for me just never was.It always about her and is often always all negative.
I am doing my best not to get like that, and set an example for my kids.
I love so dearly the new friendships I have made in the past few years and hope to do my best when they need me.
Monday, March 24, 2008
I had(past tense now) a friend that we were very close when we were teenagers. I was there for her through some very rough times and great times....we were the type of friends that you could not talk in months or years and just pick up again....after all we have been friends for over 18 years.
We had lost touch with each other for about 5 years....and I tracked her down and pushed her into signing up for facebook to keep in touch. More conversations on the phone and e-mails. I kept trying to persuade a trip to visit"soon" she promised.
On Thursday I logged into my facebook to see her last post Headed to alberta, I'm so excited"
Well She obviously wasn't planning on seeing me. And then another friend we used to hang out with posts all these pics of Their Easter get together.
I flip right in to teenager mode and I am sickened that she couldn't take a min to call and get together. Dumb I know.....I'll be over it in a day.
Some people never change. SHe was always the type to do this, unreliable yet everyone loves her.
Don't know if I need friends like this in my life anymore, I really think I deserve to be treated better. I have great friends that I have made here, really don't need to waste time on people who don't care enough about me in the same way I care for them.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
During supper my 17 year old walks through the door with roses for my birthday. Happy to see them even if he's a little late...lol
Then he proceeds to fill me in what he life plans are.....
part of me is stressed, the other part says not to take things to much to heart as he has already changed his mind from being a nurse (too much school) welder, joining the army, having a restaurant to now wanting a night club.
How do you parent at this stage, I want to be supportive but the words escape me. I just nod my head and tell him to research it. It's great to have goals and dreams, but I'm left shaking my head.
He figures he will have a car and a truck by next winter.....could have if he keeps this job.....says he's going to have so many hundreds of thousands saved up to put a down payment to build a club.......o.k.
I totally understand he wants to find out why S.D wanted nothing to do with him for 18 years. I just told him yes he does deserve answers, but don't expect to much as he's walked out on his second family too.
I just don't want to see him hurt....but he does deserve answers heaven knows I never understood.
ahhhhhhh what do you do?
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I am not sure why I feel I need to have the approval of certain people in my life, why I seek appreciation, approval & kudos.
Time will heal old wounds and I need to make sure I give myself to my family in a way that makes them strong yet without making me weak.
Live in the present I am told, that is a hard one...so many things in my life reflect from the past.
I have been also told that as my body is healing I will feel worse, physically, emotionally. It is so hard to just let go but to get better I have to.
Yesterday was my birthday, it was a lot less stressfull then I thought. It didn't bother me like turning 37 did ....not much as changed in a year, still wearing the same clothing unfortunately, don't think I look too much different.
Facebook has been fun, so many well wishes and calls from my friends made my day! As for family...hubbys family took the time to drop a note or call :) then there is my side....2 out of 4 not bad I guess. My dad didn't bother, I try to shake it off and pretend it doesn't matter, and my ungrateful spawn didn't call. I am holding my tongue because I am supposed to be the adult...ah the hell with it...f@#ken ungrateful little shit!
k done. Getting a stomach ache now :(
Life goes on and so will i
Love all my friends and family who took the time and cared to do so!
Friday, February 29, 2008
I really hope it's either just the hormone thing, or the weather...but I feel broken. My body , my mind my soul.
I hate to be one of "those people" who have nothing nice to say, but I know I am. I feel guilty for robbing my kids of a happy mommy.
I really don't care to talk to anyone as I don't have anything nice to say.
I'm unhappy and don't know how to get happy.
I really don't remember the last time I was.
I do know part of it is just being over whelmed. Part of brain tells me to go back to work, but really I can't. With hubby's new job, and business and all his commitments how can I? I don't want to put the babysitting v on the other two. Then the house work...I would loose it even more if I had to work all day and then come home to the reg crap...makes me shudder to think of it.
I really don't expect much, I am understanding and realize that when hubby gets home from working and meetings and what ever he doesn't want to help out, but I can't help getting fustated as I feel like my life is one step short of being a maid. I am so sick of my house and the clutter and the unfixed stuff, I am so sick of him not wanting to have things fixed. I'm angry and fed up and really understand who women walk away from their families....not forever but man I need some days to regenerate.
I know I just need to suck it up but I really need my husband to understand me right now and be there for me too. It's not easy being in the house day after day and have no one appreciate what you do...hello welcome to being a mom I know!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
It always amazes me to see the different connection a mother has with her kids compared to a fathers. Now I know there are extremes in both cases, I have seen very good fathers with bad moms too.But can't help to think it's a bit diffent for most mothers. We carry and grow a baby inside of us. Most of us change everything we do and put in our bodies to ensure a healthy baby. The bond we have grows for 9 months before babe reaches the outside world.
With everything that goes on with J, his dad is so ready to walk away from him, but like I said to him I am his mom and I'll always will worry, care and love him till I am in the ground.
Having a trusting relationship is hard; I hear things from his friends that are different from what he is telling me.Two weeks ago I lent him money, almost $700 in total now, and not even a visit or phone call unless I initiate it.I admit I am not a strong person, my heart hurts and part of me so wants to needs to step away from my relationship from him right now.
J was my first born. I wanted him so badly, more then anything in this whole world. My 44 weeks of pregnancy was a combo of excitement of all the first experiences a new mom could have. I changed my career plans and focussed on him. I however also dealt with being alone when his sperm donor and x-fiancé cheated on me and married another women 3 months after I told him I was pregnant. I could have handled that if he didn't deny his own child! Then the fun of paternity testing and fighting for support.Don't get me wrong J does not owe me anything, that was none of his doing. It is just so hard to see someone you worked so hard to keep healthy and safe for 16 years just f@ck it up!
I am embarrassed about his behavior. My brother in-law offers him a great job, and pays him $15 an hour. Now he's messing that up. Work was on Saturday and his ride came to pick him up and he was a no show.He tells me someone slipped something in one of his beers and he didn't wake up until 9pm Saturday! Just great eh? Makes me sick to my insides.I am still hoping this is a phase, he will grow up and turn into a wonderful man with a successful life.
Praying for peace, for strength for acceptance don't let me give up on him!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Hubby and I have very similar views on how to raise kids, where we want to live and opinions on many things that affect our lives....but there are so many things that drive me to the point of .... I take it anymore.
One of the hardest parts of being married has been dealing with in-laws. Don't get me wrong they have so many good points but the issues that cause problems are ones that need to be dealt with. I feel it is hubbys place to say things as they are his parents. There are issues or things that shouldn't have been said, but he is used to them and just ignores it and says nothing.The problem with this is if things are not dealt with or changed, it turns into anger and upset that is sitting in my soul and they eat away at me.
I am the first one to admit I am naive.....the way I think things should be, is not the way things are. I always though the great thing about grandparents is their roles. The only job they have is to provide unconditional love and support to their grandkids.When J moved out and was making some inconsiderate choices. He chose not to do things with the family, my opinion normal teenage behaviour.
In sept was his birthday....you would assume his aunty and grandparents would still buy him a gift or a card a phone call.....nothing.Hubby's response to his family's actions, well J’s never around.He's a kid not an adult, they are the adults should they have least called him?
I am not sure why this is bothering me sooo much today, maybe having second thoughts on telling mom about what J did now. I don't want them telling anyone about it or judging him. The worst thing in all this not only am I still upset with them I am angry/hurt that hubby didn't say anything ...it is his son!!! Like he feels this is o.k. Yet I know they wouldn't do this to any of the other grandkids.It just makes me sick that they are teaching him...when you make mistakes or if you are a lost your family bails on you.
Friday, February 1, 2008
so the saga continues, J pops in for a visit.....here for 1/2 an hour humm didn't ask for money yet. I really don't mind giving him some if he doesn't ask...so I hand him $20.
Then about 20 min later he begins to tell me he owes somone money and if he doesn't pay them back he is in big trouble. I guess this was when he bought the car.
What do I do? I don't want to see him hurt, Yet part of me feels he needs to be responsible for his actions....I hand him over $500.00.....oh this is $660.00 now. And he goes off on his merry way.
I am so torn, is he scamming his mom, is he being hounest.....has he learned now? Or is he the black sheep of the family? I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't pay me back next week when he gets paid like he promissed? I'm his mom it's my job to love him, but if he lies to me I just can't do this over and over, I don't think I'll be doing him any favors.
funny you look at him and he is sweet looking, clean cut, dressed well and reminds me of the perfect con artist.
I want my baby, my little boy back again....man what could i have done different to have made him different?
Hubby's mad I helped him out.
I'm a mom, his mom, would mine have done anything different? I don't know.
I took T to the doctor...looks like he blew an ear drum.He'll be o.k.
After seeing J, I felt really sick and dizzy again from the concussion. I feel worse after stress and if I am tired. The doctor took some tests and was worried, I haveto go for a C.T scan. GREAT.
If there are prayers out there, don't pray for me, please say one for my boy to get his shit together.
So tonight v.j is whiney and crabby as she needs to go to bed. I am waiting for some auctions to end and she is mad she isn't allowed on the computer. I put the swan princess on t.v for her in hopes she will relax and get ready for sleep. She is protesting saying she doesn't like it...
"mom, I saw this already, I don't like this Fricken show", I almost fell off my chair!!
Brings back a comercial I saw....how would you act if you were on camera 24 hours a day...if you have kids you are, lead by example as kids will immitate what they see....ohhhhhh so true.
I keep two blogs, it's almost like I am two, or want to express myself differently or be seen differently.
When my mom was healthy I shared everything with her, good, bad and everything inbetween. When I found out she was sick and going to die, my role as a daughter changed. From relying on her for strength, I know had to be there for her. I stopped sharing anything not so pretty, she dind't need that.
One thing I really disliked about my sister in the past was she focussed on the negative, she would go on for hours about how crappy everything in her life was. Understandable as her kids are not nice people and she has a hard life.
I don't want to be like that and one of the reasons I started a blog was to have some place to vent and realease bad energy. I created another blog to share good an positive in my life. Maybe it will be here too, but mostly vents and to do sanity checks...lol
I read a few blogs and I see extreams...the perfect family with the perfect husband...then I see the kaos...yeah someone like me!
We are not alone in Mommy/wife hell!
Funny thing the other day, I left this blog open and hubby was reading it, I was stressed, I don't want him to read it I felt uncomfortable, I'm not sure why. I don't hubby slam...YET. Just not sure if I wanted him to read about my inner self. Seems weird I know , we have been together almost 17 years.
I am unsure if I should link the blogs......or keep a low profile letting only a select few view my rubber room thoughts.
I am not always upset, angry or unhappy.I feel I just need a place to get it out so I don't end of sick or loose my friends to my constant bitching.
My happy blog link will be on the side...check out the other side of me too !
Friday, January 25, 2008
One thing I always loved was that she would know exactly how i felt the moment I walked into the room.My dream the other night reminded me of home. My mom always had such a strong presence in this world and in our house. I could tell from the moment I walked in the house if she was home or not. That empty feeling was so evident the second I entered the house after her passing.
As a mom I am faced with so much more then Iever dreamed of. I have to snicker to my self when I see the frustrated, tired new moms at playgroup that complain about their lack of sleep or crabby sibling preschoolers.WAIT...till you have a teenager!I never imagined 17 years ago the worry and concern my son would bring me. The feelings of failure as a parent I must deal with.
I honestly don't know what we could have done different.Would things be different if I could take back what I said that day? Part of me believes that it wouldn't.
He was looking for a way out of our house and family for months...I just gave him one.
I know he is a good kid.He is well liked, and fun to be around, he just seems to be lost in his decisions he is making.
Yesterday morning I received a call from the alberta justice department looking for J.I found out he was charged with theft under $5000, driving under the influence and carrying a concelled weapon.I almost died, I could feel my insides shaking and had a hard time keeping it together. I so needed my mom, for her support.
I calmly called him and left a message"hi, just mom.Wanted to know how you were feeling (getting over the flu) and if you could stop by."
Before he came over I found out little brother knew about this for months! How do you get angry, yet I am.
I understand you need to keep the trust there but this was serious.
When he arrived I could hear the whole story. Oct 13th J bought a car from the family he lives with.Oct 14th the boy he lives with had a b-day party and J got very drunk. A friend needed a ride home and he decided to give her one. But I didn't mention there was no insurance on the car and the plates were stolen, not by J but by the roomie.After dropping the girl off , about a block from his home, he lost control of the car and slammed into a tree. When he gained consciousness he was greeted with police surrounding him with their guns drawn. deep breathThey pulled him out and arrested him. Discovering he had a pocket knife on him and the vehicle was not registered and the plates did not belong to him.
They took him to the hospital for tests to make sure there was no injuries or internal bleeding. They kept him over night and to the grace of god he didn't injure anyone else or himself.It kills me to think my baby was in the hospital by himself, that he asked them not to call me and they didn't. I am so mad...he's only 17 they should have called me.He said he didn't called because he thought I would freak out...ah duhhh...but I told him my main concern was that he was o.k...first...other stuff second.
I asked him how would he feel in my position and if his sis was in the same situation...would he want to be called?! that made my point.I also said it doesn't matter how much he messes up I am his mom first and I will always love him.
He has legal aid and has gone to court 4 times already. Because he didn't hurt anyone and this is his first offence he will be able to comply with some conditions of the court and prevent a criminal record. They also didn't press DUI charges or a few others, he is very lucky and he says he realizes that. I hope this is a wake up call for him.
There is nothing in this world worse then seeing the children you love more then life itself make poor decisions. To let them go into the world and let go. Let them make big mistakes and watch.
That is one thing I absolutely hate is those people who blame things on the parents ( not saying some are not to blame)
...I haven't had anyone do this to my face, and I would never say it to another.
It is usual ignorant people who so far have "perfect" children who make that stupid comment.
We have a child who is making poor decisions, one who has dropped out of school.......
We gave him what he needed growing up, I stayed home so daycare wouldn't raise him, loved him, didn't beat him, supported him, and did everything we felt we could do. Sometimes we all get a little lost and we all do stupid things...show me one human who hasn't.
I guess I am naive in this world...I still believe you shouldn't judge people until you walk in their shoes....it's not my job to judge ...it's GODS.
done venting :)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
This year I made no promises just small goals to try and reach...I have been slowly decrapitizing my home. Man where did all this shit come from?
A lot...ok most of it is my fault, I sew, make cards, scrapbook, paint, collect fabric and clothing....and I keep starting small home based businesses.
I have managed to clean out my kitchen cupboards and remove 15 year old spices from the one. I have disposed of old appliances to freecyle and my living room has stayed"non embarrassing...pretend your not home when surprise company shows" for weeks....proud of my self.
Bedrooms I keep starting . but they never get finished then quickly get disastrous again.
The basement is my next goal....holey crap looks like the house threw up down there! It is the dumping grounds for everything.To expose my shame I will post some before pics(after I have some afters to share)
There are so many things I want to do with the house and never seem to get help to do them. I have always had the desire to have a little better, a change, nice things...hubby could care less.
I never could understand how you can watch things fall apart in your home and not give a dam.....oopse almost a hubby vent...I'll leave that for another day..lol
Well I could go on...but I seem to get nauseated when I am on the computer too long (concussion side affects!) another story :)
Saturday, January 19, 2008
I am and always will be a night owl. I enjoy reading blogs, yet I am sucky at posting comments. I love to look at designs,patterns and fabric sites, and yes the all famous facebook once in a while.
I really don't know why I do this to myself though, I will drag my ass all morning and accomplish nothing.....and tomorrow...later I need to get up early and attempt to nab that Wii from Toys r us for T who is dying from the anticipation of finally playing with the promised x-mas present.
I don't understand the hype, it drives me nuts to think of him sitting on his ass even more then he does already. Yet I know where he is and what he is not doing!
Oh and did I mention hubby is also a game fanatic.....so when he's off from work...can you guess what he will be doing?!
Wish me luck anyways, I am off to bed.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Today was both a day of joy and a little sadness. My second son turned 15 today...I am still in denial that I am a mom of two teenagers, almost three.
I remember the day he was born like yesterday......My hubby was working for city ,night shifts.
J was in bed and babe was kicking up a storm all night. At midnight I felt like a pop inside my belly, but my water had not broke. At the exact same time I heard J wake up, I felt labor start...J all of a sudden was extremely ill. He proceeded to vomit and poop everywhere. After changing his bed for the third time I figured it was time to call hubby and let him know I was a labour and I needed some help with J, I figured labour would take hours, so I wasn't concerned, but taking care of J was getting hard with contractions.
Right after calling hubby I let my MIL know we would be needing her to come over, but not right away, as Contractions were coming 2 min, 5, min, 7 min....very irregular. Something in my voice must have told her to come quick...lol
Within 1/2 an hour hubby had arrived home and 5 min after that the in laws showed up...thank god!
We left for the hospital within mins, contractions were on top of each other.
The usual things at the hospital, check in , monitors....I felt like I needed to sit in the bathroom.....I wasn't comfortable lying down. We were soon transfered into a delivery room. I remember having a shower and sitting on the toilet..lol
All of a sudden I felt the urge to push, hubby felt it was a good idea to get off my throne and move to the bed.
I tried hard to stay away from meds and an epidural, laughing gas was just not a possibility. The contractions were far sharper then I had with J....they were intense and fast.
I was offered morphine, as a young mom I know I didn't ask enough questions back then, will it help, will it affect my baby? No it did not help the pain and yes it would I was to find out.
The delivery was quick 15 min and only a few pushes...who ever said once the head was out the shoulders will effortlessly slide out...had not met T before....his shoulders were huge!!
T was born 4 hours and 15 min after my labour started. I was expecting to see a very large baby, I gained 45 lbs with him and J was 9lb 9 oz.....nope 8 lbs on the dot. When he came out he just stretched his body out and ...WHAAAAAAAAA
Out of this little boy this DEEP voice....and LOUD!
The nurses proudly walked back into the room with him after a clean up and announce T had waken not one but all the babies up in the nursery.
Poor little guy was inconsolable, after effects of the morphine they told me, I still feel bad to this day about that.
About an hour after he finally calmed down.
I was so happy to have another son a great companion for J.
I am so amazing to look back on T over the past 15 years. The young man he has become. He is kind and loving yet annoying like normal 15 year old boys. I am beginning to see that boys are very similar at that age, or mine are.
They think we as parents know little, that they know everything, they are always tired when it comes to chores yet amazingly full of energy when their friends call to do something and above all BOTTOMLESS pits.
The past two years he has put on about 70 lbs and 8 inches and is proud to sport facial hair!
He thinks it's great he can look down on mom and Pick me up.
It's an odd feeling when your boys turn into men in front of your eyes.
T has done a lot of growing in and out this year, but one thing still remains and I will hold on to as long as I can, he still loves to cuddle up to mom on the couch
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I get the days where I am basically unhappy about everything.
Clutter has reigned over my life, my husband is as useless as warts on a boars ass when it comes to fixing things and my kids drive me nuts.
What a horrible ungreatful human being I am!
I know I am the only person responsible for being this way. I should do more with the house the kids.
Why do I not see the wonderful things I have around me? I have wonderful friends, kids, a hubby who keeps telling me I am lucky because he doesn't drink, do drugs or beat me...lol and I have a home.
It always bugs me that now that the three out of the four kids are getting older and I don't spend enough time with them or tell them I love them everyday. My mom was not like that, my dad wasn't either.It seems like there is a small part of me that is afraid to love them with all my heart because I am always afraid of letting them go or loosing them...something happening to them.Warped I know.
It's the same way with hubby...there is a part of me that always holds back, don't let him know how much I really need him or how much I love him.....protection I guess, part of me is always afraid of loosing what I hold dearest in my life.
I'm not sure if it goes back to loosing my first fiance(thank god I did now) and going through everything I did, or loosing my mom.
Even when J left, I was so not ready to have my baby leave, I don't know how to be a mom to him right now, I feel like a failure.
Everything that happens in our lives change us, whether we want it to our not.
Sometimes it's easier to hold back and protect ourselves, but we really do lose something in the end don't we.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
(Not quite her finest picture...my poor baby)
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I am beyond words, I am beyond knowing what to say to her, I just hope she knows despite her strong desire to push people away from her, I will always be there for her.
I find my self sitting here feeling guilty, for not being able to truly understand what she must be feeling , yet as a mom of 4 it would have been and still is one of my worst nightmares.
I found my self very hesitant to speak with god or ask of god anything, I feel unworthy, but if a prayer asked by me to heal her broken heart can be answered, I would be forever greatful.