Tuesday, November 25, 2008

sometimes I just want to lay my head down and cry.

When I was young all I could think about was having a husband, children..... It all seemed so simple so perfect in my mind. my children growing up so fast before my eyes... days flying by, my life as well and find the hardest part of being a mom is the guilt. Guilt of not spending enough time with each of them, working with my youngest instead of trying to find a place in the house where she is not....not taking them places, not buying them stuff...yelling to much, not talking enough....man it never ends.
I see comments...wonderful comments about how people adore their children their lives and I can't help but wonder is it all just for show. How do they have it right and all I feel is fustrated and tired.
I feel a never ending battle with getting my house clean its like its alive and as soon as I see the floor.....kaboom another mess.
I have been a mom for 18 years and a wife for 16...when will I figure it out???
Where and when did I sign up for the kaos?
Did my mom feel this way?
Did I tell her I appreciated her for all she did...god I hope so.

deep breath

I just want calm, boring, happy for a bit...can I please have that just for a few days please???!!

I am so afraid I will wake up one day, my kids all moved out and thinking I should have...

I know I am too blessed to be stressed but I think way too much worry far to much and just love and appreciate too little.

Monday, April 28, 2008

I once was lost...

Not found yet but working on it.

I have been away from writting as so much has happened and seems so hard to keep on top of things.
A wonderful thing has happened,my son has moved back.
He has spoke about coming home for about a week, tired of living where he was and the kaos that lived there.
Everything came to a header when I received a phone call from the parent that owed the house. She informed me my son was in trouble and he was taken away in handcuffs.
By the end of the conversation she hung up on me. I guess she didn't like what I said to her and what i thought of her. I really don't know if he did what they accused him of, I so need to believe he didn't. There has been no more evidence, so no charges will be pressed. I pray he is telling us the truth.
My heart is still having issues, letting me get close to him, trying to be a mom.
Last night he came in about 1 am and started to talk to me. He had gone out after work and was happy from partying. I still can't wrap my head around my baby drinking, yet I was young too when my friends and I did it.
It is scary what are kids are faced with now. He spoke for some time telling me about drugs and what was out there. About the time someone slipped something in his drink and he was out for a full day.He seems so educated in the bad of the world and I am so iggnorant.
I totally understand one day all my children will move away, it just wasn't his time when he did.
Little sis is in heaven that her big brother is home. She can't wait till he's awake to go bug him.
Today what I saw brought a smile to my face as the sun was out and all my kids were outside playing in the yard. With them came their friends so how i missed that :)

Life has been so hectic these past few weeks, my cleaning of the basement has left me fustrated and overwhelmed more then once...where did I get soooo much crap!!! Hours and hours I have spent down in clutter hell. It will get done one day soon.
I miss my friends and know I need to step away from everything and do some catch up.

well that is all for now...my writting is poor right now and I'm tired
good night

Friday, April 11, 2008

Friday -again

man where does the week go?
I am doing everything in my power not to do anything..lol
I have house work and a sale tomorrow, should be going through bins and I'm not
just don't want to do it, last sale I backed out at the last min....motivation where are you?

So much as happened this week, guess that's why people post daily to prevent a massive all over the place post.

I am still working on me, loosing the weight, getting healthy physically and emotionally. I know I didn't get here over night , it takes time.
I stepped on the scale this morning...I am down another pound, 8 lbs lost in 2 weeks total of 21 pounds...so far to go yet but getting there.
Funny thing is some how I got this impression in my head I would look different, I don't, just a bit smaller...I need to get that flabby butt going to the gym to hopefully tighten things and reshape. I will start putting away for my tuck and lift fund....I want the extra skin GONE!

Before I get off the computer....I want to thank my TWO readers lol.who always support and comment on my blog. I love you both!! I do read your blogs frequently, I just suck on commenting and so appreciate you still leaving comments for me. I am here and supporting you too!!!

Monday, April 7, 2008

socially retarded

I really think I am. I have such a hard time saying the right thing anymore, being supportive when I should, letting people in.
My biggest fears are loosing those I love or being hurt by them. I have had several friends that I grew up with hurt me the most, even to this day I feel like our friendships mean nothing.
I am torn between walking away yet the one friend always seems to understand some of the wacky things that go through my head. Yet I go out of my way to make sure I can attend every birthday party and family event...yet three times in one month she has let me down.
I always seeked female friends as eventhough I have a sister we are like night and day and her support for me just never was.It always about her and is often always all negative.
I am doing my best not to get like that, and set an example for my kids.
I love so dearly the new friendships I have made in the past few years and hope to do my best when they need me.

Monday, March 24, 2008

remember this is my negative blog!!

One thing I really HATE about myself is I let the actions of others affect me. Funny how certain events in life can bring you right back to the person I was 20 years ago.
I had(past tense now) a friend that we were very close when we were teenagers. I was there for her through some very rough times and great times....we were the type of friends that you could not talk in months or years and just pick up again....after all we have been friends for over 18 years.
We had lost touch with each other for about 5 years....and I tracked her down and pushed her into signing up for facebook to keep in touch. More conversations on the phone and e-mails. I kept trying to persuade a trip to visit"soon" she promised.
On Thursday I logged into my facebook to see her last post Headed to alberta, I'm so excited"
Well She obviously wasn't planning on seeing me. And then another friend we used to hang out with posts all these pics of Their Easter get together.
I flip right in to teenager mode and I am sickened that she couldn't take a min to call and get together. Dumb I know.....I'll be over it in a day.
Some people never change. SHe was always the type to do this, unreliable yet everyone loves her.
Don't know if I need friends like this in my life anymore, I really think I deserve to be treated better. I have great friends that I have made here, really don't need to waste time on people who don't care enough about me in the same way I care for them.
(big sigh)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

givin my head a shake!

A tattoo, from arm to arm another from hip to neck, wanting to open a night club, no more plans to go to collage or university.....a trip this summer then one to the Dominican, and he asks my if I have his bio father's address as he wants to track down the sperm donnor when he turns 18.
During supper my 17 year old walks through the door with roses for my birthday. Happy to see them even if he's a little late...lol
Then he proceeds to fill me in what he life plans are.....
part of me is stressed, the other part says not to take things to much to heart as he has already changed his mind from being a nurse (too much school) welder, joining the army, having a restaurant to now wanting a night club.
How do you parent at this stage, I want to be supportive but the words escape me. I just nod my head and tell him to research it. It's great to have goals and dreams, but I'm left shaking my head.
He figures he will have a car and a truck by next winter.....could have if he keeps this job.....says he's going to have so many hundreds of thousands saved up to put a down payment to build a club.......o.k.
I totally understand he wants to find out why S.D wanted nothing to do with him for 18 years. I just told him yes he does deserve answers, but don't expect to much as he's walked out on his second family too.
I just don't want to see him hurt....but he does deserve answers heaven knows I never understood.
ahhhhhhh what do you do?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


I have been seeing a wonderful MT who also has a holistic approach on life and healing. Many things she has told me makes so much sense, but what I need to do seems far off and not what I feel I need.
I am not sure why I feel I need to have the approval of certain people in my life, why I seek appreciation, approval & kudos.
Time will heal old wounds and I need to make sure I give myself to my family in a way that makes them strong yet without making me weak.
Live in the present I am told, that is a hard one...so many things in my life reflect from the past.
I have been also told that as my body is healing I will feel worse, physically, emotionally. It is so hard to just let go but to get better I have to.

Yesterday was my birthday, it was a lot less stressfull then I thought. It didn't bother me like turning 37 did ....not much as changed in a year, still wearing the same clothing unfortunately, don't think I look too much different.
Facebook has been fun, so many well wishes and calls from my friends made my day! As for family...hubbys family took the time to drop a note or call :) then there is my side....2 out of 4 not bad I guess. My dad didn't bother, I try to shake it off and pretend it doesn't matter, and my ungrateful spawn didn't call. I am holding my tongue because I am supposed to be the adult...ah the hell with it...f@#ken ungrateful little shit!
k done. Getting a stomach ache now :(
Life goes on and so will i
Love all my friends and family who took the time and cared to do so!