Friday, February 29, 2008


(this was written the other day, but didn't want to post it yet)

I really hope it's either just the hormone thing, or the weather...but I feel broken. My body , my mind my soul.

I hate to be one of "those people" who have nothing nice to say, but I know I am. I feel guilty for robbing my kids of a happy mommy.

I really don't care to talk to anyone as I don't have anything nice to say.

I'm unhappy and don't know how to get happy.

I really don't remember the last time I was.

I do know part of it is just being over whelmed. Part of brain tells me to go back to work, but really I can't. With hubby's new job, and business and all his commitments how can I? I don't want to put the babysitting v on the other two. Then the house work...I would loose it even more if I had to work all day and then come home to the reg crap...makes me shudder to think of it.

I really don't expect much, I am understanding and realize that when hubby gets home from working and meetings and what ever he doesn't want to help out, but I can't help getting fustated as I feel like my life is one step short of being a maid. I am so sick of my house and the clutter and the unfixed stuff, I am so sick of him not wanting to have things fixed. I'm angry and fed up and really understand who women walk away from their families....not forever but man I need some days to regenerate.

I know I just need to suck it up but I really need my husband to understand me right now and be there for me too. It's not easy being in the house day after day and have no one appreciate what you do...hello welcome to being a mom I know!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Forever a mom

It always amazes me to see the different connection a mother has with her kids compared to a fathers. Now I know there are extremes in both cases, I have seen very good fathers with bad moms too.But can't help to think it's a bit diffent for most mothers. We carry and grow a baby inside of us. Most of us change everything we do and put in our bodies to ensure a healthy baby. The bond we have grows for 9 months before babe reaches the outside world.

With everything that goes on with J, his dad is so ready to walk away from him, but like I said to him I am his mom and I'll always will worry, care and love him till I am in the ground.

Having a trusting relationship is hard; I hear things from his friends that are different from what he is telling me.Two weeks ago I lent him money, almost $700 in total now, and not even a visit or phone call unless I initiate it.I admit I am not a strong person, my heart hurts and part of me so wants to needs to step away from my relationship from him right now.

J was my first born. I wanted him so badly, more then anything in this whole world. My 44 weeks of pregnancy was a combo of excitement of all the first experiences a new mom could have. I changed my career plans and focussed on him. I however also dealt with being alone when his sperm donor and x-fiancé cheated on me and married another women 3 months after I told him I was pregnant. I could have handled that if he didn't deny his own child! Then the fun of paternity testing and fighting for support.Don't get me wrong J does not owe me anything, that was none of his doing. It is just so hard to see someone you worked so hard to keep healthy and safe for 16 years just f@ck it up!

I am embarrassed about his behavior. My brother in-law offers him a great job, and pays him $15 an hour. Now he's messing that up. Work was on Saturday and his ride came to pick him up and he was a no show.He tells me someone slipped something in one of his beers and he didn't wake up until 9pm Saturday! Just great eh? Makes me sick to my insides.I am still hoping this is a phase, he will grow up and turn into a wonderful man with a successful life.

Praying for peace, for strength for acceptance don't let me give up on him!

Monday, February 11, 2008


As a women or a mom have you had that strong feeling something is wrong very wrong?Mine has been going off ever since I spoke to a cop friend last night. As I mentioned before I am nieve.Now after some educating I am freaking out.The family J is living with are not exactly the perfect family. I know the son steals and the house has been suspected of selling drugs there.The money I gave him was it for the car? Was it for selling drugs, or using?man my heart is going to explode.Oh god please help my son if he is doing this, I don't know what to do! Please tell me my son is not wasting the life I worked so hard to keep safe and healthy.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Hubby and I have very similar views on how to raise kids, where we want to live and opinions on many things that affect our lives....but there are so many things that drive me to the point of .... I take it anymore.

One of the hardest parts of being married has been dealing with in-laws. Don't get me wrong they have so many good points but the issues that cause problems are ones that need to be dealt with. I feel it is hubbys place to say things as they are his parents. There are issues or things that shouldn't have been said, but he is used to them and just ignores it and says nothing.The problem with this is if things are not dealt with or changed, it turns into anger and upset that is sitting in my soul and they eat away at me.

I am the first one to admit I am naive.....the way I think things should be, is not the way things are. I always though the great thing about grandparents is their roles. The only job they have is to provide unconditional love and support to their grandkids.When J moved out and was making some inconsiderate choices. He chose not to do things with the family, my opinion normal teenage behaviour.

In sept was his would assume his aunty and grandparents would still buy him a gift or a card a phone call.....nothing.Hubby's response to his family's actions, well J’s never around.He's a kid not an adult, they are the adults should they have least called him?

I am not sure why this is bothering me sooo much today, maybe having second thoughts on telling mom about what J did now. I don't want them telling anyone about it or judging him. The worst thing in all this not only am I still upset with them I am angry/hurt that hubby didn't say anything is his son!!! Like he feels this is o.k. Yet I know they wouldn't do this to any of the other grandkids.It just makes me sick that they are teaching him...when you make mistakes or if you are a lost your family bails on you.

Friday, February 1, 2008

My son will be the death of me

How can you tell my hubby is away hu??

so the saga continues, J pops in for a for 1/2 an hour humm didn't ask for money yet. I really don't mind giving him some if he doesn't I hand him $20.

Then about 20 min later he begins to tell me he owes somone money and if he doesn't pay them back he is in big trouble. I guess this was when he bought the car.

What do I do? I don't want to see him hurt, Yet part of me feels he needs to be responsible for his actions....I hand him over $500.00.....oh this is $660.00 now. And he goes off on his merry way.
I am so torn, is he scamming his mom, is he being hounest.....has he learned now? Or is he the black sheep of the family? I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't pay me back next week when he gets paid like he promissed? I'm his mom it's my job to love him, but if he lies to me I just can't do this over and over, I don't think I'll be doing him any favors.
funny you look at him and he is sweet looking, clean cut, dressed well and reminds me of the perfect con artist.
I want my baby, my little boy back what could i have done different to have made him different?
Hubby's mad I helped him out.
I'm a mom, his mom, would mine have done anything different? I don't know.
I took T to the doctor...looks like he blew an ear drum.He'll be o.k.
After seeing J, I felt really sick and dizzy again from the concussion. I feel worse after stress and if I am tired. The doctor took some tests and was worried, I haveto go for a C.T scan. GREAT.
If there are prayers out there, don't pray for me, please say one for my boy to get his shit together.

out of the mouths of babes

O.K I admit it when I am angry I curse...not super bad, I always say did my mom when she got really mad.

So tonight v.j is whiney and crabby as she needs to go to bed. I am waiting for some auctions to end and she is mad she isn't allowed on the computer. I put the swan princess on t.v for her in hopes she will relax and get ready for sleep. She is protesting saying she doesn't like it...
"mom, I saw this already, I don't like this Fricken show", I almost fell off my chair!!

Brings back a comercial I would you act if you were on camera 24 hours a day...if you have kids you are, lead by example as kids will immitate what they see....ohhhhhh so true.

Baaaaaad MOMMY!

The other side, the other side,the other side of me

Hanna montanna fan? I know every song seen every show....yes I have girls

I keep two blogs, it's almost like I am two, or want to express myself differently or be seen differently.
When my mom was healthy I shared everything with her, good, bad and everything inbetween. When I found out she was sick and going to die, my role as a daughter changed. From relying on her for strength, I know had to be there for her. I stopped sharing anything not so pretty, she dind't need that.
One thing I really disliked about my sister in the past was she focussed on the negative, she would go on for hours about how crappy everything in her life was. Understandable as her kids are not nice people and she has a hard life.
I don't want to be like that and one of the reasons I started a blog was to have some place to vent and realease bad energy. I created another blog to share good an positive in my life. Maybe it will be here too, but mostly vents and to do sanity
I read a few blogs and I see extreams...the perfect family with the perfect husband...then I see the kaos...yeah someone like me!
We are not alone in Mommy/wife hell!
Funny thing the other day, I left this blog open and hubby was reading it, I was stressed, I don't want him to read it I felt uncomfortable, I'm not sure why. I don't hubby slam...YET. Just not sure if I wanted him to read about my inner self. Seems weird I know , we have been together almost 17 years.
I am unsure if I should link the blogs......or keep a low profile letting only a select few view my rubber room thoughts.
I am not always upset, angry or unhappy.I feel I just need a place to get it out so I don't end of sick or loose my friends to my constant bitching.
My happy blog link will be on the side...check out the other side of me too !