Friday, January 25, 2008

lost teenager (long)

When I remember my relationship with my Mom, the only thing that was really important to me was her unconditional love. She was always there when life was rough, sad or even better joyous.
One thing I always loved was that she would know exactly how i felt the moment I walked into the room.My dream the other night reminded me of home. My mom always had such a strong presence in this world and in our house. I could tell from the moment I walked in the house if she was home or not. That empty feeling was so evident the second I entered the house after her passing.
As a mom I am faced with so much more then Iever dreamed of. I have to snicker to my self when I see the frustrated, tired new moms at playgroup that complain about their lack of sleep or crabby sibling preschoolers.WAIT...till you have a teenager!I never imagined 17 years ago the worry and concern my son would bring me. The feelings of failure as a parent I must deal with.
I honestly don't know what we could have done different.Would things be different if I could take back what I said that day? Part of me believes that it wouldn't.
He was looking for a way out of our house and family for months...I just gave him one.
I know he is a good kid.He is well liked, and fun to be around, he just seems to be lost in his decisions he is making.
Yesterday morning I received a call from the alberta justice department looking for J.I found out he was charged with theft under $5000, driving under the influence and carrying a concelled weapon.I almost died, I could feel my insides shaking and had a hard time keeping it together. I so needed my mom, for her support.
I calmly called him and left a message"hi, just mom.Wanted to know how you were feeling (getting over the flu) and if you could stop by."
Before he came over I found out little brother knew about this for months! How do you get angry, yet I am.
I understand you need to keep the trust there but this was serious.
When he arrived I could hear the whole story. Oct 13th J bought a car from the family he lives with.Oct 14th the boy he lives with had a b-day party and J got very drunk. A friend needed a ride home and he decided to give her one. But I didn't mention there was no insurance on the car and the plates were stolen, not by J but by the roomie.After dropping the girl off , about a block from his home, he lost control of the car and slammed into a tree. When he gained consciousness he was greeted with police surrounding him with their guns drawn. deep breathThey pulled him out and arrested him. Discovering he had a pocket knife on him and the vehicle was not registered and the plates did not belong to him.
They took him to the hospital for tests to make sure there was no injuries or internal bleeding. They kept him over night and to the grace of god he didn't injure anyone else or himself.It kills me to think my baby was in the hospital by himself, that he asked them not to call me and they didn't. I am so mad...he's only 17 they should have called me.He said he didn't called because he thought I would freak out...ah duhhh...but I told him my main concern was that he was o.k...first...other stuff second.
I asked him how would he feel in my position and if his sis was in the same situation...would he want to be called?! that made my point.I also said it doesn't matter how much he messes up I am his mom first and I will always love him.
He has legal aid and has gone to court 4 times already. Because he didn't hurt anyone and this is his first offence he will be able to comply with some conditions of the court and prevent a criminal record. They also didn't press DUI charges or a few others, he is very lucky and he says he realizes that. I hope this is a wake up call for him.
There is nothing in this world worse then seeing the children you love more then life itself make poor decisions. To let them go into the world and let go. Let them make big mistakes and watch.

another comment on parents

Watching stupid t.v and hearing people comment on the "spears children" and what kind of mom they must have.
That is one thing I absolutely hate is those people who blame things on the parents ( not saying some are not to blame)
...I haven't had anyone do this to my face, and I would never say it to another.
It is usual ignorant people who so far have "perfect" children who make that stupid comment.
We have a child who is making poor decisions, one who has dropped out of school.......
We gave him what he needed growing up, I stayed home so daycare wouldn't raise him, loved him, didn't beat him, supported him, and did everything we felt we could do. Sometimes we all get a little lost and we all do stupid me one human who hasn't.
I guess I am naive in this world...I still believe you shouldn't judge people until you walk in their's not my job to judge's GODS.
done venting :)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Out with the old...again

The new year brings so many promises and resolutions for many. I used to be pretty good at this as well.
This year I made no promises just small goals to try and reach...I have been slowly decrapitizing my home. Man where did all this shit come from?
A lot...ok most of it is my fault, I sew, make cards, scrapbook, paint, collect fabric and clothing....and I keep starting small home based businesses.
I have managed to clean out my kitchen cupboards and remove 15 year old spices from the one. I have disposed of old appliances to freecyle and my living room has stayed"non embarrassing...pretend your not home when surprise company shows" for weeks....proud of my self.
Bedrooms I keep starting . but they never get finished then quickly get disastrous again.
The basement is my next goal....holey crap looks like the house threw up down there! It is the dumping grounds for everything.To expose my shame I will post some before pics(after I have some afters to share)
There are so many things I want to do with the house and never seem to get help to do them. I have always had the desire to have a little better, a change, nice things...hubby could care less.
I never could understand how you can watch things fall apart in your home and not give a dam.....oopse almost a hubby vent...I'll leave that for another

Well I could go on...but I seem to get nauseated when I am on the computer too long (concussion side affects!) another story :)

Saturday, January 19, 2008

2 am

Yes it's 2 am and like many times during the early morning hours I fight with the choice of climbing into a comfortable warm bed and getting a few extra hours of sleep...or enjoying the bliss of silence that in my house that only this time of morning will give.
I am and always will be a night owl. I enjoy reading blogs, yet I am sucky at posting comments. I love to look at designs,patterns and fabric sites, and yes the all famous facebook once in a while.
I really don't know why I do this to myself though, I will drag my ass all morning and accomplish nothing.....and tomorrow...later I need to get up early and attempt to nab that Wii from Toys r us for T who is dying from the anticipation of finally playing with the promised x-mas present.
I don't understand the hype, it drives me nuts to think of him sitting on his ass even more then he does already. Yet I know where he is and what he is not doing!
Oh and did I mention hubby is also a game when he's off from work...can you guess what he will be doing?!
Wish me luck anyways, I am off to bed.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

15 years

Today was both a day of joy and a little sadness. My second son turned 15 today...I am still in denial that I am a mom of two teenagers, almost three.

I remember the day he was born like yesterday......My hubby was working for city ,night shifts.
J was in bed and babe was kicking up a storm all night. At midnight I felt like a pop inside my belly, but my water had not broke. At the exact same time I heard J wake up, I felt labor start...J all of a sudden was extremely ill. He proceeded to vomit and poop everywhere. After changing his bed for the third time I figured it was time to call hubby and let him know I was a labour and I needed some help with J, I figured labour would take hours, so I wasn't concerned, but taking care of J was getting hard with contractions.

Right after calling hubby I let my MIL know we would be needing her to come over, but not right away, as Contractions were coming 2 min, 5, min, 7 min....very irregular. Something in my voice must have told her to come
Within 1/2 an hour hubby had arrived home and 5 min after that the in laws showed up...thank god!
We left for the hospital within mins, contractions were on top of each other.
The usual things at the hospital, check in , monitors....I felt like I needed to sit in the bathroom.....I wasn't comfortable lying down. We were soon transfered into a delivery room. I remember having a shower and sitting on the
All of a sudden I felt the urge to push, hubby felt it was a good idea to get off my throne and move to the bed.
I tried hard to stay away from meds and an epidural, laughing gas was just not a possibility. The contractions were far sharper then I had with J....they were intense and fast.
I was offered morphine, as a young mom I know I didn't ask enough questions back then, will it help, will it affect my baby? No it did not help the pain and yes it would I was to find out.
The delivery was quick 15 min and only a few pushes...who ever said once the head was out the shoulders will effortlessly slide out...had not met T before....his shoulders were huge!!

T was born 4 hours and 15 min after my labour started. I was expecting to see a very large baby, I gained 45 lbs with him and J was 9lb 9 oz.....nope 8 lbs on the dot. When he came out he just stretched his body out and ...WHAAAAAAAAA

Out of this little boy this DEEP voice....and LOUD!

The nurses proudly walked back into the room with him after a clean up and announce T had waken not one but all the babies up in the nursery.
Poor little guy was inconsolable, after effects of the morphine they told me, I still feel bad to this day about that.
About an hour after he finally calmed down.
I was so happy to have another son a great companion for J.

I am so amazing to look back on T over the past 15 years. The young man he has become. He is kind and loving yet annoying like normal 15 year old boys. I am beginning to see that boys are very similar at that age, or mine are.
They think we as parents know little, that they know everything, they are always tired when it comes to chores yet amazingly full of energy when their friends call to do something and above all BOTTOMLESS pits.
The past two years he has put on about 70 lbs and 8 inches and is proud to sport facial hair!
He thinks it's great he can look down on mom and Pick me up.
It's an odd feeling when your boys turn into men in front of your eyes.
T has done a lot of growing in and out this year, but one thing still remains and I will hold on to as long as I can, he still loves to cuddle up to mom on the couch

Saturday, January 12, 2008

so Ungreatful

Sometimes i look at my house and everything around me and complain.
I get the days where I am basically unhappy about everything.
Clutter has reigned over my life, my husband is as useless as warts on a boars ass when it comes to fixing things and my kids drive me nuts.
What a horrible ungreatful human being I am!
I know I am the only person responsible for being this way. I should do more with the house the kids.
Why do I not see the wonderful things I have around me? I have wonderful friends, kids, a hubby who keeps telling me I am lucky because he doesn't drink, do drugs or beat and I have a home.
It always bugs me that now that the three out of the four kids are getting older and I don't spend enough time with them or tell them I love them everyday. My mom was not like that, my dad wasn't either.It seems like there is a small part of me that is afraid to love them with all my heart because I am always afraid of letting them go or loosing them...something happening to them.Warped I know.
It's the same way with hubby...there is a part of me that always holds back, don't let him know how much I really need him or how much I love I guess, part of me is always afraid of loosing what I hold dearest in my life.
I'm not sure if it goes back to loosing my first fiance(thank god I did now) and going through everything I did, or loosing my mom.
Even when J left, I was so not ready to have my baby leave, I don't know how to be a mom to him right now, I feel like a failure.
Everything that happens in our lives change us, whether we want it to our not.
Sometimes it's easier to hold back and protect ourselves, but we really do lose something in the end don't we.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Out with the old in with the old

I remember being under 13 and thinking wow it will take so long before I am 14 so I can get my learners permit. Then at 15 remember thinking oh next year when i am 16 I can get my drivers licence...the next big thing 18, woohoo i can "legally" not that ever stopped drink. Next mile stone....21 and leagal in the u.s and get to go to Vegas with my mom....wohoo

Besides that the thing that seem the longest wait was that 40 weeks...sorry 42 weeks till my fist born came.....time seemed to move at a snails pace....but now the time just seems to FLY on by.
2008 wow

News years resolutions, not this year not usually a thing for me. I have the same goal I have over the past year get healthy stay healthy teach my kids to be.

This has proven to be quite a challenge so far, especially for V and I. I sware it's the cold from hell and it's dominions have set foot in my head and have made house!

My poor baby has been ill since the week before Christmas. I felt like mean mommy keeping her home from playschool and playgroup. She keeps telling me she will never get over the fact I made her miss all her Christmas parties.
Between fevers reaching 104, not eating or sleeping through the night it's been a nightmare.

V absolutely refuses to take any meds what so ever, so not only does she suffer, everyone around her does as well.

We did manage small break at christmas, not perfect but well enough to enjot gifts and I did manage to cook for 15 on Christmas day.

Just when I thought she was getting better, Monday hit with gooy eyes with eyelids fused shut with yellow gunk....then another fever and restless sleep. I sware I got kicked in the head 20 times that night...oh did I mention she won't sleep in her bed.Misery loves company they say!!!

Today looked better, she finally ate some food, was playing but I notice she was itchy and scratchy...HIVES! From clue.

I give, I give mercy, Uncle....aunty......Your my daddy!!!! when will it end ..for her, me?!

I am so hoping Jan will be like like a need a lamb!!!!

(Not quite her finest poor baby)

Saturday, January 5, 2008

a prayer

After reading my friends blog, I am sitting here litteraly crying my eyes out. My heart breaks for her as she lost her little one.
I am beyond words, I am beyond knowing what to say to her, I just hope she knows despite her strong desire to push people away from her, I will always be there for her.
I find my self sitting here feeling guilty, for not being able to truly understand what she must be feeling , yet as a mom of 4 it would have been and still is one of my worst nightmares.
I found my self very hesitant to speak with god or ask of god anything, I feel unworthy, but if a prayer asked by me to heal her broken heart can be answered, I would be forever greatful.