Monday, March 24, 2008

remember this is my negative blog!!

One thing I really HATE about myself is I let the actions of others affect me. Funny how certain events in life can bring you right back to the person I was 20 years ago.
I had(past tense now) a friend that we were very close when we were teenagers. I was there for her through some very rough times and great times....we were the type of friends that you could not talk in months or years and just pick up again....after all we have been friends for over 18 years.
We had lost touch with each other for about 5 years....and I tracked her down and pushed her into signing up for facebook to keep in touch. More conversations on the phone and e-mails. I kept trying to persuade a trip to visit"soon" she promised.
On Thursday I logged into my facebook to see her last post Headed to alberta, I'm so excited"
Well She obviously wasn't planning on seeing me. And then another friend we used to hang out with posts all these pics of Their Easter get together.
I flip right in to teenager mode and I am sickened that she couldn't take a min to call and get together. Dumb I know.....I'll be over it in a day.
Some people never change. SHe was always the type to do this, unreliable yet everyone loves her.
Don't know if I need friends like this in my life anymore, I really think I deserve to be treated better. I have great friends that I have made here, really don't need to waste time on people who don't care enough about me in the same way I care for them.
(big sigh)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

givin my head a shake!

A tattoo, from arm to arm another from hip to neck, wanting to open a night club, no more plans to go to collage or university.....a trip this summer then one to the Dominican, and he asks my if I have his bio father's address as he wants to track down the sperm donnor when he turns 18.
During supper my 17 year old walks through the door with roses for my birthday. Happy to see them even if he's a little
Then he proceeds to fill me in what he life plans are.....
part of me is stressed, the other part says not to take things to much to heart as he has already changed his mind from being a nurse (too much school) welder, joining the army, having a restaurant to now wanting a night club.
How do you parent at this stage, I want to be supportive but the words escape me. I just nod my head and tell him to research it. It's great to have goals and dreams, but I'm left shaking my head.
He figures he will have a car and a truck by next winter.....could have if he keeps this job.....says he's going to have so many hundreds of thousands saved up to put a down payment to build a club.......o.k.
I totally understand he wants to find out why S.D wanted nothing to do with him for 18 years. I just told him yes he does deserve answers, but don't expect to much as he's walked out on his second family too.
I just don't want to see him hurt....but he does deserve answers heaven knows I never understood.
ahhhhhhh what do you do?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


I have been seeing a wonderful MT who also has a holistic approach on life and healing. Many things she has told me makes so much sense, but what I need to do seems far off and not what I feel I need.
I am not sure why I feel I need to have the approval of certain people in my life, why I seek appreciation, approval & kudos.
Time will heal old wounds and I need to make sure I give myself to my family in a way that makes them strong yet without making me weak.
Live in the present I am told, that is a hard many things in my life reflect from the past.
I have been also told that as my body is healing I will feel worse, physically, emotionally. It is so hard to just let go but to get better I have to.

Yesterday was my birthday, it was a lot less stressfull then I thought. It didn't bother me like turning 37 did ....not much as changed in a year, still wearing the same clothing unfortunately, don't think I look too much different.
Facebook has been fun, so many well wishes and calls from my friends made my day! As for family...hubbys family took the time to drop a note or call :) then there is my side....2 out of 4 not bad I guess. My dad didn't bother, I try to shake it off and pretend it doesn't matter, and my ungrateful spawn didn't call. I am holding my tongue because I am supposed to be the adult...ah the hell with it...f@#ken ungrateful little shit!
k done. Getting a stomach ache now :(
Life goes on and so will i
Love all my friends and family who took the time and cared to do so!