Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Forever a mom

It always amazes me to see the different connection a mother has with her kids compared to a fathers. Now I know there are extremes in both cases, I have seen very good fathers with bad moms too.But can't help to think it's a bit diffent for most mothers. We carry and grow a baby inside of us. Most of us change everything we do and put in our bodies to ensure a healthy baby. The bond we have grows for 9 months before babe reaches the outside world.

With everything that goes on with J, his dad is so ready to walk away from him, but like I said to him I am his mom and I'll always will worry, care and love him till I am in the ground.

Having a trusting relationship is hard; I hear things from his friends that are different from what he is telling me.Two weeks ago I lent him money, almost $700 in total now, and not even a visit or phone call unless I initiate it.I admit I am not a strong person, my heart hurts and part of me so wants to needs to step away from my relationship from him right now.

J was my first born. I wanted him so badly, more then anything in this whole world. My 44 weeks of pregnancy was a combo of excitement of all the first experiences a new mom could have. I changed my career plans and focussed on him. I however also dealt with being alone when his sperm donor and x-fiancé cheated on me and married another women 3 months after I told him I was pregnant. I could have handled that if he didn't deny his own child! Then the fun of paternity testing and fighting for support.Don't get me wrong J does not owe me anything, that was none of his doing. It is just so hard to see someone you worked so hard to keep healthy and safe for 16 years just f@ck it up!

I am embarrassed about his behavior. My brother in-law offers him a great job, and pays him $15 an hour. Now he's messing that up. Work was on Saturday and his ride came to pick him up and he was a no show.He tells me someone slipped something in one of his beers and he didn't wake up until 9pm Saturday! Just great eh? Makes me sick to my insides.I am still hoping this is a phase, he will grow up and turn into a wonderful man with a successful life.

Praying for peace, for strength for acceptance don't let me give up on him!


Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Honey my heart is just breaking for you. I so want him to be okay and come home to you.
Praying for you as always.

shay said...

Hopefully he'll get through this and grow into a mature young man.

Hugs. I believe unconditional love goes a loooooooooong way!