Saturday, January 12, 2008

so Ungreatful

Sometimes i look at my house and everything around me and complain.
I get the days where I am basically unhappy about everything.
Clutter has reigned over my life, my husband is as useless as warts on a boars ass when it comes to fixing things and my kids drive me nuts.
What a horrible ungreatful human being I am!
I know I am the only person responsible for being this way. I should do more with the house the kids.
Why do I not see the wonderful things I have around me? I have wonderful friends, kids, a hubby who keeps telling me I am lucky because he doesn't drink, do drugs or beat and I have a home.
It always bugs me that now that the three out of the four kids are getting older and I don't spend enough time with them or tell them I love them everyday. My mom was not like that, my dad wasn't either.It seems like there is a small part of me that is afraid to love them with all my heart because I am always afraid of letting them go or loosing them...something happening to them.Warped I know.
It's the same way with hubby...there is a part of me that always holds back, don't let him know how much I really need him or how much I love I guess, part of me is always afraid of loosing what I hold dearest in my life.
I'm not sure if it goes back to loosing my first fiance(thank god I did now) and going through everything I did, or loosing my mom.
Even when J left, I was so not ready to have my baby leave, I don't know how to be a mom to him right now, I feel like a failure.
Everything that happens in our lives change us, whether we want it to our not.
Sometimes it's easier to hold back and protect ourselves, but we really do lose something in the end don't we.


Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

You are writing! I didn't know you have been blogging again! Good for you.
Very touching post. We lose either way don't we. Not giving ourselves fully to those we love doesn't keep them from growing up and moving, or doing things that disappoint us. It means we miss out on the wonder of giving ourselves fully to someone else though and all that is entailed with that.
I can sympathize with this post. I don't give myself completely to my dh or my friends or my older kids. Babies are easy though.
I hadn't actually thought of that in a long time. Thanks for the reminder, maybe I need to figure that out.

beyond the desperate housewife said...

I was almost embarrased to let friends know about my blog. I often question my
I agree the babies are easy to love and give all your love, gets scary when they are teens.