lost teenager (long)

When I remember my relationship with my Mom, the only thing that was really important to me was her unconditional love. She was always there when life was rough, sad or even better joyous.
One thing I always loved was that she would know exactly how i felt the moment I walked into the room.My dream the other night reminded me of home. My mom always had such a strong presence in this world and in our house. I could tell from the moment I walked in the house if she was home or not. That empty feeling was so evident the second I entered the house after her passing.
As a mom I am faced with so much more then Iever dreamed of. I have to snicker to my self when I see the frustrated, tired new moms at playgroup that complain about their lack of sleep or crabby sibling preschoolers.WAIT...till you have a teenager!I never imagined 17 years ago the worry and concern my son would bring me. The feelings of failure as a parent I must deal with.
I honestly don't know what we could have done different.Would things be different if I could take back what I said that day? Part of me believes that it wouldn't.
He was looking for a way out of our house and family for months...I just gave him one.
I know he is a good kid.He is well liked, and fun to be around, he just seems to be lost in his decisions he is making.
Yesterday morning I received a call from the alberta justice department looking for J.I found out he was charged with theft under $5000, driving under the influence and carrying a concelled weapon.I almost died, I could feel my insides shaking and had a hard time keeping it together. I so needed my mom, for her support.
I calmly called him and left a message"hi, just mom.Wanted to know how you were feeling (getting over the flu) and if you could stop by."
Before he came over I found out little brother knew about this for months! How do you get angry, yet I am.
I understand you need to keep the trust there but this was serious.
When he arrived I could hear the whole story. Oct 13th J bought a car from the family he lives with.Oct 14th the boy he lives with had a b-day party and J got very drunk. A friend needed a ride home and he decided to give her one. But I didn't mention there was no insurance on the car and the plates were stolen, not by J but by the roomie.After dropping the girl off , about a block from his home, he lost control of the car and slammed into a tree. When he gained consciousness he was greeted with police surrounding him with their guns drawn. deep breathThey pulled him out and arrested him. Discovering he had a pocket knife on him and the vehicle was not registered and the plates did not belong to him.
They took him to the hospital for tests to make sure there was no injuries or internal bleeding. They kept him over night and to the grace of god he didn't injure anyone else or himself.It kills me to think my baby was in the hospital by himself, that he asked them not to call me and they didn't. I am so mad...he's only 17 they should have called me.He said he didn't called because he thought I would freak out...ah duhhh...but I told him my main concern was that he was o.k...first...other stuff second.
I asked him how would he feel in my position and if his sis was in the same situation...would he want to be called?! that made my point.I also said it doesn't matter how much he messes up I am his mom first and I will always love him.
He has legal aid and has gone to court 4 times already. Because he didn't hurt anyone and this is his first offence he will be able to comply with some conditions of the court and prevent a criminal record. They also didn't press DUI charges or a few others, he is very lucky and he says he realizes that. I hope this is a wake up call for him.
There is nothing in this world worse then seeing the children you love more then life itself make poor decisions. To let them go into the world and let go. Let them make big mistakes and watch.