remember this is my negative blog!!

One thing I really HATE about myself is I let the actions of others affect me. Funny how certain events in life can bring you right back to the person I was 20 years ago.
I had(past tense now) a friend that we were very close when we were teenagers. I was there for her through some very rough times and great times....we were the type of friends that you could not talk in months or years and just pick up again....after all we have been friends for over 18 years.
We had lost touch with each other for about 5 years....and I tracked her down and pushed her into signing up for facebook to keep in touch. More conversations on the phone and e-mails. I kept trying to persuade a trip to visit"soon" she promised.
On Thursday I logged into my facebook to see her last post Headed to alberta, I'm so excited"
Well She obviously wasn't planning on seeing me. And then another friend we used to hang out with posts all these pics of Their Easter get together.
I flip right in to teenager mode and I am sickened that she couldn't take a min to call and get together. Dumb I know.....I'll be over it in a day.
Some people never change. SHe was always the type to do this, unreliable yet everyone loves her.
Don't know if I need friends like this in my life anymore, I really think I deserve to be treated better. I have great friends that I have made here, really don't need to waste time on people who don't care enough about me in the same way I care for them.
(big sigh)

givin my head a shake!

A tattoo, from arm to arm another from hip to neck, wanting to open a night club, no more plans to go to collage or university.....a trip this summer then one to the Dominican, and he asks my if I have his bio father's address as he wants to track down the sperm donnor when he turns 18.
During supper my 17 year old walks through the door with roses for my birthday. Happy to see them even if he's a little late...lol
Then he proceeds to fill me in what he life plans are.....
part of me is stressed, the other part says not to take things to much to heart as he has already changed his mind from being a nurse (too much school) welder, joining the army, having a restaurant to now wanting a night club.
How do you parent at this stage, I want to be supportive but the words escape me. I just nod my head and tell him to research it. It's great to have goals and dreams, but I'm left shaking my head.
He figures he will have a car and a truck by next winter.....could have if he keeps this job.....says he's going to have so many hundreds of thousands saved up to put a down payment to build a club.......o.k.
I totally understand he wants to find out why S.D wanted nothing to do with him for 18 years. I just told him yes he does deserve answers, but don't expect to much as he's walked out on his second family too.
I just don't want to see him hurt....but he does deserve answers heaven knows I never understood.
ahhhhhhh what do you do?

forgotten

I have been seeing a wonderful MT who also has a holistic approach on life and healing. Many things she has told me makes so much sense, but what I need to do seems far off and not what I feel I need.
I am not sure why I feel I need to have the approval of certain people in my life, why I seek appreciation, approval & kudos.
Time will heal old wounds and I need to make sure I give myself to my family in a way that makes them strong yet without making me weak.
Live in the present I am told, that is a hard one...so many things in my life reflect from the past.
I have been also told that as my body is healing I will feel worse, physically, emotionally. It is so hard to just let go but to get better I have to.

Yesterday was my birthday, it was a lot less stressfull then I thought. It didn't bother me like turning 37 did ....not much as changed in a year, still wearing the same clothing unfortunately, don't think I look too much different.
Facebook has been fun, so many well wishes and calls from my friends made my day! As for family...hubbys family took the time to drop a note or call :) then there is my side....2 out of 4 not bad I guess. My dad didn't bother, I try to shake it off and pretend it doesn't matter, and my ungrateful spawn didn't call. I am holding my tongue because I am supposed to be the adult...ah the hell with it...f@#ken ungrateful little shit!
k done. Getting a stomach ache now :(
Life goes on and so will i
Love all my friends and family who took the time and cared to do so!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Broken

(this was written the other day, but didn't want to post it yet)

I really hope it's either just the hormone thing, or the weather...but I feel broken. My body , my mind my soul.

I hate to be one of "those people" who have nothing nice to say, but I know I am. I feel guilty for robbing my kids of a happy mommy.

I really don't care to talk to anyone as I don't have anything nice to say.

I'm unhappy and don't know how to get happy.

I really don't remember the last time I was.

I do know part of it is just being over whelmed. Part of brain tells me to go back to work, but really I can't. With hubby's new job, and business and all his commitments how can I? I don't want to put the babysitting v on the other two. Then the house work...I would loose it even more if I had to work all day and then come home to the reg crap...makes me shudder to think of it.

I really don't expect much, I am understanding and realize that when hubby gets home from working and meetings and what ever he doesn't want to help out, but I can't help getting fustated as I feel like my life is one step short of being a maid. I am so sick of my house and the clutter and the unfixed stuff, I am so sick of him not wanting to have things fixed. I'm angry and fed up and really understand who women walk away from their families....not forever but man I need some days to regenerate.

I know I just need to suck it up but I really need my husband to understand me right now and be there for me too. It's not easy being in the house day after day and have no one appreciate what you do...hello welcome to being a mom I know!

Forever a mom

It always amazes me to see the different connection a mother has with her kids compared to a fathers. Now I know there are extremes in both cases, I have seen very good fathers with bad moms too.But can't help to think it's a bit diffent for most mothers. We carry and grow a baby inside of us. Most of us change everything we do and put in our bodies to ensure a healthy baby. The bond we have grows for 9 months before babe reaches the outside world.

With everything that goes on with J, his dad is so ready to walk away from him, but like I said to him I am his mom and I'll always will worry, care and love him till I am in the ground.

Having a trusting relationship is hard; I hear things from his friends that are different from what he is telling me.Two weeks ago I lent him money, almost $700 in total now, and not even a visit or phone call unless I initiate it.I admit I am not a strong person, my heart hurts and part of me so wants to needs to step away from my relationship from him right now.

J was my first born. I wanted him so badly, more then anything in this whole world. My 44 weeks of pregnancy was a combo of excitement of all the first experiences a new mom could have. I changed my career plans and focussed on him. I however also dealt with being alone when his sperm donor and x-fiancé cheated on me and married another women 3 months after I told him I was pregnant. I could have handled that if he didn't deny his own child! Then the fun of paternity testing and fighting for support.Don't get me wrong J does not owe me anything, that was none of his doing. It is just so hard to see someone you worked so hard to keep healthy and safe for 16 years just f@ck it up!

I am embarrassed about his behavior. My brother in-law offers him a great job, and pays him $15 an hour. Now he's messing that up. Work was on Saturday and his ride came to pick him up and he was a no show.He tells me someone slipped something in one of his beers and he didn't wake up until 9pm Saturday! Just great eh? Makes me sick to my insides.I am still hoping this is a phase, he will grow up and turn into a wonderful man with a successful life.

Praying for peace, for strength for acceptance don't let me give up on him!

spidysense

As a women or a mom have you had that strong feeling something is wrong very wrong?Mine has been going off ever since I spoke to a cop friend last night. As I mentioned before I am nieve.Now after some educating I am freaking out.The family J is living with are not exactly the perfect family. I know the son steals and the house has been suspected of selling drugs there.The money I gave him was it for the car? Was it for selling drugs, or using?man my heart is going to explode.Oh god please help my son if he is doing this, I don't know what to do! Please tell me my son is not wasting the life I worked so hard to keep safe and healthy.

Hubby and I have very similar views on how to raise kids, where we want to live and opinions on many things that affect our lives....but there are so many things that drive me to the point of .... I take it anymore.

One of the hardest parts of being married has been dealing with in-laws. Don't get me wrong they have so many good points but the issues that cause problems are ones that need to be dealt with. I feel it is hubbys place to say things as they are his parents. There are issues or things that shouldn't have been said, but he is used to them and just ignores it and says nothing.The problem with this is if things are not dealt with or changed, it turns into anger and upset that is sitting in my soul and they eat away at me.

I am the first one to admit I am naive.....the way I think things should be, is not the way things are. I always though the great thing about grandparents is their roles. The only job they have is to provide unconditional love and support to their grandkids.When J moved out and was making some inconsiderate choices. He chose not to do things with the family, my opinion normal teenage behaviour.

In sept was his birthday....you would assume his aunty and grandparents would still buy him a gift or a card a phone call.....nothing.Hubby's response to his family's actions, well J’s never around.He's a kid not an adult, they are the adults should they have least called him?

I am not sure why this is bothering me sooo much today, maybe having second thoughts on telling mom about what J did now. I don't want them telling anyone about it or judging him. The worst thing in all this not only am I still upset with them I am angry/hurt that hubby didn't say anything ...it is his son!!! Like he feels this is o.k. Yet I know they wouldn't do this to any of the other grandkids.It just makes me sick that they are teaching him...when you make mistakes or if you are a lost your family bails on you.